Aright, so it turns out I have depression, inherited from my mother. Nasty stuff; it’s been gradually turning my life into goop over the last six months, though looking back I can see some vague symptoms going back years. But only six months ago did it start affecting my quality of life; before then, I was just as happy as anybody else. It can be hard to recognize depression in someone naturally introverted and solitary, like me and all my family, but luckily I’m very self-aware and proactive, so I managed to realize something was wrong, and I’ve started working to deal with it.
Today was my first day working to combat my depression. Since I recognized it before it became debilitating, I can still go to school and do work and generally take care of myself. My particular type of depression is called “dysthymia,” meaning it’s not as severe as usual, but it lasts forever instead of appearing in episodes, and is permanent without treatment. Today I brought to school all my notes about my condition, to remind myself of what’s going on, and keep me from getting demotivated again.
I promised myself that I would have a good day in spite of my illness. I hadn’t had one in a long time, and had always felt tired and sad even if everything went great. I vowed today to have a good time.
And you know what? I did. I had to keep reminding myself to feel good, especially in the morning, but the day really did turn out well, even though nothing particularly special happened. I started by taking a short walk around campus before classes started, humming to myself and taking a few minutes to enjoy the trees and grass and bushes about. It really helped. In class, I tried extra-hard to pay attention and take good notes. I found that sitting up straight and keeping my hands on my desk was rather tiring, but it really did help. Some breathing exercises also helped me chill out. At lunch, I ate outside for the first in a long time, and drank in the flora around me while listening to some upbeat music.
I noticed that I also felt a lot more “in tune” and connected to the people around me, even though I didn’t speak any more than usual. I think I was just paying attention to them better. Even an introvert likes social contact in small doses, and it made me feel much better around my classmates. That’s not to say I like or respect them (they’re all a bunch of shallow dumbasses), but I didn’t feel lonely today, like I often do.
I even managed to finish all my homework in classes, including the dreaded algebra homework. I told myself to remember that it was never as difficult as it seemed at first, and that turned out true. It always does; I just disregard that advice too often. I didn’t feel as thrilled at my achievement when I finished as I expected, probably because my hideous teacher was still screeching at us, but now, writing this later, the impact of my small bit of extra freedom tonight is really starting to hit me. And I mean that in a really good way. Seriously, I feel really, really good right now, thinking about how I have no homework (not even studying) to do because I was so productive in class! I really ought to continue this way, it feels awesome!
When I got home, I stuck to another set of changes I promised to do: showering and brushing my teeth immediately upon arrival. This is kind of embarrassing, but when you’re depressed, it’s easy to neglect personal hygiene. It felt sooo good to take an ice-cold shower and brush my teeth really well. I feel really clean, like all the day’s stress and work has been washed right off me. To top it all off, I got proof that the “promise to have a good day” method worked when my mom brought some roast beef sandwiches (my favorite kind) home, and I was absolutely thrilled. I can’t remember the last time food made me so happy. I made sure to thank her, and told her it was the perfect ending to a good day. Because it is!
Finally, I made sure to do my weight-lifting exercises. Those used to be an old habit of mine that disappeared when my depression first set in. I heard that exercise is an excellent way to combat it (as it releases endorphins, has no side effects and is an easy but productive thing to do with your time [which is really important for a depressed person, who has trouble just getting out of bed]). It seems to be working; even now, just sitting at my computer, I feel better than usual, like my body is perked up and energetic instead of tired and sleepy.
It probably sounds like I had a really easy time overcoming my depression today. But it wasn’t easy. It was really tiring, and I had to remind myself constantly of my promise to have a good day, and I was tempted a lot to just return to my usual lazy stupor. But I managed to overcome it today. With depression, just having a nice day is a major achievement all by itself.
But I did it. I beat back the sadness, even if just for one day. I did it, and I’m going to do it again.
I promise.
